How much has changed… December 19, 2009

It’s been so long since I’ve written anything. The last time I wrote I was pretty satisfied with life, I was happy, I was looking forward to my future.

Now, as I read back to what I was saying a few months ago I can’t believe how much has changed. I am still satisfied with life and honestly I’m still looking forward to my future, as for being happy I don’t know where my heart settles there. I am happy, in a way. I feel released from everything that has been so stressful and painful and awful the past few months. But part of me feels empty; like there is something missing and I want to reach out and grab for it but I know that now is not the time. I feel alone…again.

God is doing something great in my life. I believe that he has great plans for me in this next season. I have one semester left of college, I am seriously contemplating one more summer at Firwood (I’ve already checked the website three times for application forms…even though I know it doesn’t come out until January 1), I have dreams to discover.

I really feel like this next little bit of life is going to be full of God teaching me how to dream again. I used to be such a big dreamer. I dreamed of Broadway and record deals and my very own horse, I dreamed of being an author and an actor and an artist, I dreamed of saving the world and travelling and living in Africa or India or somewhere adventurous. My dreams used to be so big. I have dreams now, smaller dreams, the most important dreams. They are the dreams that have been constant since childhood, the ones I know can and will come true. But it’s going to take time, it’s going to take patience, it’s going to take growth. And before those dreams are realized I believe God has something more to fulfill my life with, he has something else to give me hope and happiness and joy and purpose.

I don’t really know why the past six months were necessary, part of me feels cheated because I thought I knew what God had up his sleeves and now my heart is broken and empty, but I know that he will reveal his plan to me in time.

This morning a song came to my mind. It’s a song that means a lot to me. A song I sing every single night of the summer, with a hundred other staff members and hundreds of campers. I was really thinking about the words and what they mean. I know that I need to glorify God though every aspect of my life. I haven’t been doing that lately. That where things fell apart.

But as we are apart, whether it is just for now or the rest of our lives, God has a plan for us and through that my prayer is that we grow, and change, and glorify Him…He is what it is all about.

My friends may you grow in grace,
And in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior
My friends may you grow in grace,
And in the knowledge of Jesus Christ

To God be the Glory
Now and forever
Now and forever, Amen

To God be the Glory
Now and forever
Now and forever, Amen

I pray tonight if we learn from one another,
May we glorify Him,
And if the Lord should bring us back together,
May we be in His arms ’til then

To God be the Glory
Now and forever
Now and forever, Amen

To God be the Glory
Now and forever
Now and forever, Amen

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